Weak

I consider myself a feminist. To some people, this means I hate men. To me, it means I love women. I love how we are not afraid of emotions, I love how we are not afraid to break and I love how if we do break, we don’t stay broken. But it also means that sometimes we take risks we shouldn’t be taking and expose ourselves to pain because we think it’s romantic. In this universe, it’s romantic to suffer.
That’s what I thought. To be honest, I still catch myself idealizing tormented lovers. That’s why I love Wuthering Heights that much. I wanted to be Catherine Earnshaw. To show how much I am capable of love, I wanted to love so much it would hurt.

We had known each other for quite a while. He became my first friend in Ghent, the city I moved to five years ago. He was eight years older and when I first met him, I thought he was smart. Later, I realized I had been misled by his age. He wasn’t smart, just a bit more experienced. I would soon catch up to him.
In fact, he was quite immature. When he told me that he wouldn’t move out of his parents’ house until he was at least thirty, I almost fell off my chair. Even I was more self-dependent and I was just a teenager.
But we got along. He complimented me often enough to make me feel better about myself and I convinced myself that he knew my worth. He knew me. The idea was even more ridiculous than it sounds because I was well aware of his flaws. He didn’t understand me. How could he? We had no similar interests whatsoever. He liked golf, rich people, and villas. I loved alternative music, feminist authors, and dogs. He planned on staying in Belgium forever. I dreamed of traveling. When we talked about me, I was very selective in what I would tell him. For some reason, I didn’t want him to find out how different we were.
When I got old enough to not be shamefully illegal to fuck anymore, he started flirting with me. Playfully, yet obviously. I would receive messages saying: “Taking a bath. Wanna join?”
He would only text me after midnight. At first, I thought it meant he thought about me a lot. Now I realize I was his booty call. He was proper fuckboy material and I didn’t even notice.
But he paid attention to me. And I liked it. I liked him. He was older and he was hot. I felt strangely aroused thinking about him. I thought it was love.
Anyway, one time, when I was feeling especially romantic, I kissed him. He had been feeling me up the whole day and it felt like the natural thing to do. He kissed back.
When I woke up the next day, I thought my future was settled. I had a boyfriend. Also, I was very horny. Later I identified the ‘love’ I felt for him as pure lust. But back then it felt very innocent.
I was waiting for his message the whole day, but it never came. I went to sleep worried, but tomorrow was another day.

The next day I went out for drinks with my best friend. She had just hooked up with a guy she would later have a meaningful relationship with. She was going on and on about how happy she was and I was glad but also kind of jealous. Why wouldn’t he text me?
I talked it over with my friend, and she, being very high-spirited after some good sex, decided it would be a good idea if I asked him out myself. Which I did, since she was the experienced one with good advice.
When we met up, he was very distant and wouldn’t touch me at all. That was very unlike him – even before we started flirting, he would casually pat my shoulders in one way or the other. “Great how we’re such good friends,” he said and gave me a tap on the back. I was taken aback by that, but I was also angry. Why the sudden change? Had I misread the signals?
After the awkward afternoon out, he had to get back to work. His workplace was just two streets away from my house, so he walked me home. Right before entering the house, he remarked that you could see my underwear through my dress. He laughed with the palm trees on my black panties. Stupid as I was, I felt flattered that he had looked at my ass.
By some cruel workings of the universe, it so happened that my parents were out. We settled down on the couch in the living room and he stared deeply into my eyes and said: “If only you knew how much I want to kiss you right now.” I was flustered and whispered hoarsely: “So why don’t you?” I said it so quietly that he didn’t hear, so I had to repeat it.
“You know I’ve got a girlfriend, right?” he asked as if, yes, of course, I knew. That was exactly why I had kissed him the other day. And then he reached out and his lips touched mine. And I didn’t object. The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. And I, the feminist, let him kiss me, while some other girl sat waiting for him at home. And I didn’t even mind.
He went on kissing me and I went on letting him. His hand found its way to my underwear. That’s when I heard the key in the door. My parents. We jumped up, both caught unaware and I abruptly pushed him away. It was then that I realized what I had done. And still, I wasn’t really sorry.
I walked him to his work and he gave me a hug in the end. I’m still not sure what went on that afternoon. But when I got home I texted him that I didn’t want to speak to him for a while. And I still ignore his messages. Because I don’t know what will happen if I don’t.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Weak

  1. I am genuinely surprised you have a blog. I am even more surprised at the quality of your writing. It is not clear to me whether you are open to receiving reactions to your piece, but I shall give it a try. The horrible negation of good morals and the liberation of selfish and irresponsible young men, dressed up, not very convincingly, as the liberation of women, which you call feminism has produced complete and utter disaster. True feminism has long achieved its purpose, which was to free women from stupid restrictions which prevented them from going to university or taking up a career in law or medicine. What has now happened is an attack on the sacred and immensely important institution of marriage, which is built on the age-old bargain of trading intercourse, which is the only reason for which young men chase so vehemently after women, for long-term stability and children, about which women are much more concerned; these facts derive firmly and undeniably from biology. What modern feminism has achieved is that young men are now able to get the benefit of marriage without sacrificing their independence or taking up any responsibility. Do you truly believe young men start relationships with women out of genuine love? Of course they don’t; they are only driven by the primordial animal concern to procreate. And that is why so many girls and women end up heartbroken.

    Concerning the preliminary remarks you made about how you love women, let me tell you that they are very prejudiced. While it is true to say that women, on the whole, are more emotional than men, the latter are just as well capable of experiencing affects of the soul, and it is very unfair to paint men as being insensible and inhuman. As for which gender is able to overcome brokenness more quickly, I shall not comment on that.

    Lastly, I just wanted to say how much I agree with you on the destructiveness and absolute disaster of the romantic ideal. Nobody has ever been able to establish its existence on the basis of rational arguments, and it mixes love and lust in such an unclear and unhelpful fashion that both components become wholly indiscernible; the ensuing catastrophe of romantic suffering being idealised is of unimaginable proportions.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment and I do appreciate the criticism. However, by saying that women are emotional, I do not mean that men are not. By saying that women overcome brokenness, I do not mean that men do not. And ultimately, by saying that I love women, I do not mean that I don´t love men. I didn´t mean to attack the male species as a whole, and this piece was written as an emotional statement, rather than a philosophical one. And finally, by acknowledging that what I felt for this individual was nothing more than lust, I do not deny the existence of love.
      I will not discuss feminism with you, as we long have agreed that our views on that subject are entirely different :p

      Like

      1. Different views can be synthesised (Hegel). And if the attributes you describe are not particular to women, then why mention them as being the cause of your satisfaction with being a woman? Surely if they are common to both genders, you should be happy merely being human. Great piece of writing though.

        Like

      2. That’s a very good point. However, in this essay I was writing about the pain I felt as a woman and what helped me overcome that pain, was looking to other women for strength. That’s why my focus when writing this piece, was on women and not on humanity in general.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s